I've heard of the Tea Party and the Coffee Party, but I'm waiting for the Free Beer Party!
American conservatives may claim to be conservative, but when it comes to defense spending, they are certainly liberal.
We have the best politicians money can buy because that's the only way most of them get elected in first place.
Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana resigned after getting into a sex scandal. Evidently, some politicians take the task of "screwing the voters" too literally.
Souder said that he was very, very sorry that it happened and that he will try not to get caught again.
Dan Coats, a Washington lobbyist, is running for the U.S. Senate in Indiana. A Washington lobbyist as a U.S. Senator? Well, that would be one way to cut out the middleman.
The last time Dick Lugar ran for the U.S. Senate, the Democrats couldn't find anyone to run against him. I guess no one wanted to oppose a man whose name sounded like a gun. If anyone thinks that they can beat Lugar, they just don't know Dick.
I could believe that Sarah Palin is the leader of the Tea Party. I mean, who else could lead a tea party except for a mad hatter?
You know you've got a bad judge if he farts and yells, "Odor in the court!"
An article about Mitt Romney mistakenly said that he had five wives instead of having five sons. I guess that they just got him mixed up some of his ancestors.
Sarah Palin said that she could blow a moose away. I suppose that's either with a shotgun or with her mouth.
Sen. Scott Brown said in a speech that his daughters were available. I'm sure that they were just tickled pink that their dad told millions of people that they can't find dates.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Baseball Jokes
There once was a pitcher so bad, the crowd started singing Take Him Out of The Ball Game!
Billy Martin once had four doubles in a game, but then he ran out of liquor!
One official made so many bad calls, he was nicknamed, "The Dumpire."
Will Pete Rose get into the Hall of Fame? Well, maybe the Gambler's Hall of Fame or the Liar's Hall of Fame!
When the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth, they thought that that would make them a tougher team since then, they were Ruthless!
One batter specialized in hit-and-run plays. His problem was that he used his car!
I used to collect bats, but I got rid of them when they started biting!
One pitcher, Joe Niekro, was called the Little Shaver. That wasn't because he was short, but because of what he did to the balls!
Another player led his team in steals before he got nabbed for burglary.
Some pitchers are so rich that they have their own personal ball scratchers!
Did you hear about the new major league policy on drugs? Just say yes!
One player had many runs, but they were all to the bathroom!
One guy had so many spitballs that they called him the Pitcher of Water.
You know that your color commentator is inexperienced when he says things like, "Green is a pretty color, but some people also like Red, and Blue is very nice, too..."
One hit struck a chicken. Now that was a real "fowl ball!"
One player was so dumb, he just couldn't get to third base because of the short stop on the way there!
Once, when Bush was president, he went to a game and they asked him if he wanted to throw out the First Pitch. He agreed and tossed Laura out onto the field!
Least favorite ballpark treat - Darryl Strawberry-favored Coke!
Billy Martin once had four doubles in a game, but then he ran out of liquor!
One official made so many bad calls, he was nicknamed, "The Dumpire."
Will Pete Rose get into the Hall of Fame? Well, maybe the Gambler's Hall of Fame or the Liar's Hall of Fame!
When the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth, they thought that that would make them a tougher team since then, they were Ruthless!
One batter specialized in hit-and-run plays. His problem was that he used his car!
I used to collect bats, but I got rid of them when they started biting!
One pitcher, Joe Niekro, was called the Little Shaver. That wasn't because he was short, but because of what he did to the balls!
Another player led his team in steals before he got nabbed for burglary.
Some pitchers are so rich that they have their own personal ball scratchers!
Did you hear about the new major league policy on drugs? Just say yes!
One player had many runs, but they were all to the bathroom!
One guy had so many spitballs that they called him the Pitcher of Water.
You know that your color commentator is inexperienced when he says things like, "Green is a pretty color, but some people also like Red, and Blue is very nice, too..."
One hit struck a chicken. Now that was a real "fowl ball!"
One player was so dumb, he just couldn't get to third base because of the short stop on the way there!
Once, when Bush was president, he went to a game and they asked him if he wanted to throw out the First Pitch. He agreed and tossed Laura out onto the field!
Least favorite ballpark treat - Darryl Strawberry-favored Coke!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Soccer Jokes
Q:How is the American soccer team like a referee's wife?
A:They both got screwed! (USA vs. Slovenia game)
Q:Why did the soccer game get hot?
A:Because the referees turned off the fans!
Soccer is like politics. There's a left wing, a right wing, a center, and they are all beating the hell out of each other!
Steven Gerard said that "The whole team is behind Robert Green.(the English goalkeeper who scored a goal in his own net)" His problem was that too many balls were getting behind him as well!
Robert Green is a man who makes his goals. Unfortunately for him, some are for the other team!
The English needed an experienced goalkeeper. Instead, they got one who was Green.
Robert Green was told to keep his eyes on the ball. Too bad he couldn't keep his hands on it as well!
Q: How does Pele screw in a light bulb?
A:He sticks the bulb in the socket and the whole world turns around him.
David Beckham goes into a fast food place and says, "Give me three whoppers."
The cashier replies, "You're worth every penny you're paid, you can score like nobody else, and you're the greatest player ever."
Why are some players called "strikers?" Well, if you've ever been kicked in the shins by one, you'd know why!
Although the game is called soccer, there are so many fights in the stands that maybe it should be called Sockem!
Don't blame Maradona for his problems. He thought the drug policy for soccer was "Just Say Yes!"
A legally blind guy wanted to join a soccer team. After much discussion about the matter, they told him, "OK, you can be the ref!"
One player was a really good dribbler, but only when he drank!
At the World Cup, they use a four letter F word a lot and it's not FIFA!
A:They both got screwed! (USA vs. Slovenia game)
Q:Why did the soccer game get hot?
A:Because the referees turned off the fans!
Soccer is like politics. There's a left wing, a right wing, a center, and they are all beating the hell out of each other!
Steven Gerard said that "The whole team is behind Robert Green.(the English goalkeeper who scored a goal in his own net)" His problem was that too many balls were getting behind him as well!
Robert Green is a man who makes his goals. Unfortunately for him, some are for the other team!
The English needed an experienced goalkeeper. Instead, they got one who was Green.
Robert Green was told to keep his eyes on the ball. Too bad he couldn't keep his hands on it as well!
Q: How does Pele screw in a light bulb?
A:He sticks the bulb in the socket and the whole world turns around him.
David Beckham goes into a fast food place and says, "Give me three whoppers."
The cashier replies, "You're worth every penny you're paid, you can score like nobody else, and you're the greatest player ever."
Why are some players called "strikers?" Well, if you've ever been kicked in the shins by one, you'd know why!
Although the game is called soccer, there are so many fights in the stands that maybe it should be called Sockem!
Don't blame Maradona for his problems. He thought the drug policy for soccer was "Just Say Yes!"
A legally blind guy wanted to join a soccer team. After much discussion about the matter, they told him, "OK, you can be the ref!"
One player was a really good dribbler, but only when he drank!
At the World Cup, they use a four letter F word a lot and it's not FIFA!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Basketball Jokes
One player could really shoot hoops, but he used a .45!
One team could really win on the road, they just couldn't win on a court.
I know a pro who had twelve college degrees. It's easy when you make enough money to buy a university!
This one guy could play like Michael Jordan. He could play like Michael Jordan played baseball.
This guy was a real team leader...in turnovers, fouls, and arrests.
How many teams in the Big Ten? Eleven. And you wonder why some athletes can't count!
Of course, no one expects an "offensive player" to have any manners.
This one player could make any shot...as long as you gave him twenty tries!
This one player was so bad, the only baskets he could make were made out of twigs.
This one team was so bad, they had a lot of road games, but the most traveling they ever did was on the court.
One player led the league in steals...until he was arrested for burglary!
There was a team so bad, they called them the squirrels because they'd be running scared at home and get killed on the road.
There was this prospect who was a seven-footer. The only problem was he had seven left feet!
This one player could sure dribble. He could dribble so much that most of his beer ended up on the floor.
Kareem may have beaten Wilt Chamberlain's point record, but with over 5,000 women served, the Stilt was probably the all-time off court scoring champion!
One team could really win on the road, they just couldn't win on a court.
I know a pro who had twelve college degrees. It's easy when you make enough money to buy a university!
This one guy could play like Michael Jordan. He could play like Michael Jordan played baseball.
This guy was a real team leader...in turnovers, fouls, and arrests.
How many teams in the Big Ten? Eleven. And you wonder why some athletes can't count!
Of course, no one expects an "offensive player" to have any manners.
This one player could make any shot...as long as you gave him twenty tries!
This one player was so bad, the only baskets he could make were made out of twigs.
This one team was so bad, they had a lot of road games, but the most traveling they ever did was on the court.
One player led the league in steals...until he was arrested for burglary!
There was a team so bad, they called them the squirrels because they'd be running scared at home and get killed on the road.
There was this prospect who was a seven-footer. The only problem was he had seven left feet!
This one player could sure dribble. He could dribble so much that most of his beer ended up on the floor.
Kareem may have beaten Wilt Chamberlain's point record, but with over 5,000 women served, the Stilt was probably the all-time off court scoring champion!
Friday, March 5, 2010
Hockey Jokes
Hockey is like politics. You've got the left wing, the right wing, the center, and they're always beating the hell out of each other!
A guy got mugged. He said the mugger had bad teeth, so he was either a hockey player or British.
One arena organist had a sense of humor. Whenever a visiting player would get slammed between the legs, he'd play "The Nutcracker!"
Once, I was clobbered by a hockey player who disagreed with my suggestions that the athletes were violent.
St. Louis should be a better team. After all, their opponents are always playing the Blues!
Obviously, no one expects an "offensive player" to have manners!
Teams often have to play short-handed. Especially, if their opponents have chopped off a few of their fingers!
The New Jersey Devils may have an "evil" mascot, but the Bruins have Satan playing for them!
It's called a face-off because of all of the times they try to scrape off their opponent's noses with their sticks!
Sometime the biggest goal of hockey seems to be waiting until the ref's back is turned away so that you can whack your opponent!
Hockey is like soccer on ice, so maybe it should be called Sockem!
Hockey can be funny. After all, it's the ultimate slapstick sport!
Hockey...the hitting, the slapping, the shooting, the pushing, the shoving, ...and that's just in the locker room!
A guy got mugged. He said the mugger had bad teeth, so he was either a hockey player or British.
One arena organist had a sense of humor. Whenever a visiting player would get slammed between the legs, he'd play "The Nutcracker!"
Once, I was clobbered by a hockey player who disagreed with my suggestions that the athletes were violent.
St. Louis should be a better team. After all, their opponents are always playing the Blues!
Obviously, no one expects an "offensive player" to have manners!
Teams often have to play short-handed. Especially, if their opponents have chopped off a few of their fingers!
The New Jersey Devils may have an "evil" mascot, but the Bruins have Satan playing for them!
It's called a face-off because of all of the times they try to scrape off their opponent's noses with their sticks!
Sometime the biggest goal of hockey seems to be waiting until the ref's back is turned away so that you can whack your opponent!
Hockey is like soccer on ice, so maybe it should be called Sockem!
Hockey can be funny. After all, it's the ultimate slapstick sport!
Hockey...the hitting, the slapping, the shooting, the pushing, the shoving, ...and that's just in the locker room!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Winter Olympics Humor
We used to go bobsledding, but eventually, we wore out Bob!
Eddie The Eagle Edwards was a British ski jumper who used to flap his arms in attempts to lengthen his jumps. He inspired such athletes as Freddie the Falcon, Connie the Condor, Fanny the Flapper, and Vinnie the Vulture before Olympic officials changed the rules to ban athletes from using innovative methods to stay aloft. Since he is much older now, he's known as Eddie The Bald Eagle.
Tiger Woods drew high ratings when he apologized for his extramarital affairs. Immediately afterwards, NBC offered him a job as a commentator so he could boost ratings for the Olympics.
Shawn White, who looks like he might be the kid brother of Carrot Top (the bad prop comedian named after a vegetable) won a gold in snowboarding.
Hockey can be funny. After all, it is the ultimate slapstick sport!
Eddie The Eagle Edwards was a British ski jumper who used to flap his arms in attempts to lengthen his jumps. He inspired such athletes as Freddie the Falcon, Connie the Condor, Fanny the Flapper, and Vinnie the Vulture before Olympic officials changed the rules to ban athletes from using innovative methods to stay aloft. Since he is much older now, he's known as Eddie The Bald Eagle.
Tiger Woods drew high ratings when he apologized for his extramarital affairs. Immediately afterwards, NBC offered him a job as a commentator so he could boost ratings for the Olympics.
Shawn White, who looks like he might be the kid brother of Carrot Top (the bad prop comedian named after a vegetable) won a gold in snowboarding.
Hockey can be funny. After all, it is the ultimate slapstick sport!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Jokes about the 2010 Vancouver Olympics
The Canadian Prime Minister told his country's athletes to be friendly as well as competitive. So while they want to be good hosts, they also want to kick our butts while doing it!
There's so much hype about skier Lindsey Vonn that maybe they'll just rename the city Vonncouver!
I tried curling, but then my hair fell out!
Gillian Cooke, a bobsledder, ripped her skintight uniform, revealing her buttocks. (On Youtube) She got a lot of "exposure" over this incident. She was the "butt" of many "cracks," so naturally, she "split!"
Simon Ammann, a Harry Potter lookalike, won a gold in ski jumping. With his gliding ability, he's sure to be the top pick in the next Quiddich draft!
Hockey...the hitting, the slapping, the shooting, the pushing, the shoving...and that's just in the locker room!
Canadians had trouble getting it up for the Olympics. Their torch had erectile dysfunction!
There was a guy who was such an alcoholic and he saw a sign which said Drink Canada Dry. It took him three years, but he finally did!
For gay visitors, there's always plenty of bi-athletes!
At a short track speed skating race, several people were shouting, "Oh no!" Some were cheering for Apollo, but others were upset that their guys had fallen.
One male figure skater fell down and got injured in the groin. Of course, they were playing "The Nutcracker!"
The U.S. rarely wins medals in cross country skiing mainly because the only cross country we have is the Bible Belt.
One former speedskater likes to maintain his privacy. But people still look for him and ask, "Where is Eric Heiden?"
With the boas, the feathers, the bizarre costumes, and the questionable judging, it's hard to tell figure skating from a drag queen pageant!
There's so much hype about skier Lindsey Vonn that maybe they'll just rename the city Vonncouver!
I tried curling, but then my hair fell out!
Gillian Cooke, a bobsledder, ripped her skintight uniform, revealing her buttocks. (On Youtube) She got a lot of "exposure" over this incident. She was the "butt" of many "cracks," so naturally, she "split!"
Simon Ammann, a Harry Potter lookalike, won a gold in ski jumping. With his gliding ability, he's sure to be the top pick in the next Quiddich draft!
Hockey...the hitting, the slapping, the shooting, the pushing, the shoving...and that's just in the locker room!
Canadians had trouble getting it up for the Olympics. Their torch had erectile dysfunction!
There was a guy who was such an alcoholic and he saw a sign which said Drink Canada Dry. It took him three years, but he finally did!
For gay visitors, there's always plenty of bi-athletes!
At a short track speed skating race, several people were shouting, "Oh no!" Some were cheering for Apollo, but others were upset that their guys had fallen.
One male figure skater fell down and got injured in the groin. Of course, they were playing "The Nutcracker!"
The U.S. rarely wins medals in cross country skiing mainly because the only cross country we have is the Bible Belt.
One former speedskater likes to maintain his privacy. But people still look for him and ask, "Where is Eric Heiden?"
With the boas, the feathers, the bizarre costumes, and the questionable judging, it's hard to tell figure skating from a drag queen pageant!
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