Monday, April 30, 2012
2012 Election Jokes
Former presidential candidate Herman Cain is best known as the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, a gangster-themed restaurant chain. He was in the best position to give voters "a deal they couldn't refuse." He was also able to buy up several old "McCain for President" posters and alter them for his own use.
The only reason I can think of for Mississippi governor Haley Barbour to do what he did was that he must have gone to the state prison and several prisoners accidentally bumped into him, each saying, "Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me..."
Rick Santorum is so far right, he's so far wrong!
Newt Gingrich found an easy way to get an A in math. He just married his teacher!
Things That Dick Cheney Might Be Doing
1. He may try to convince the Obama administration that Iran has weapons of mass destruction so that the U.S. can bomb them, invade them and Cheney's company Halliburton can make another fortune with their no-bid contracts.
2. He's working on a gadget which will control George W. Bush by remote control. (If he doesn't have one already.)
3. He's still explaining to people that just because he was vice-president, that doesn't mean that he was president of vice.
4. He's starting an outdoors show called, "Quayle Hunting."
5. He's starting a talk show called, "You Don't Know Dick!"
Top George W. Bush Books That He's Going To Have Ghostwritten For Him
1. How Al Gore tried to steal the 2000 election and how the Republicans saved America.
2. The Greatest President Who Ever Lived: The Story of my Administration.
3. My 100 Greatest Golf Games While in Office.
4. Good Advice I've Gotten From Millie, My Dad's Dog.
5. Good Times: The Fun I Had During My 400 Presidential Vacation Days.
6. How Any Idiot Can Lead a Charmed Life - Like Me!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Jokes
Top Perks in Marrying a Prince of England
1. You finally get to see the Crown Jewels
2. It really helps your career as a cover girl.
3. You find out that he's not such a royal pain in the ass after all.
4. You find out why his brother is named Prince Hairy.
5. You get to hear The King's Speech and The Prince's Pillow Talk.
6. You find out why Prince Charles in called the "Error to the throne."
7. All those hot steamy nights at F**kinghim Palace!
Statements Said About Hosni Mubarak
1. "How did he get his billions? Egypt everybody!"
2. "What else could you expect from a guy who was the head of the Egyptian Error Force?"
3. "Well, he finally united the country. Now everyone's against him."
4. "He wasn't really a dictator. He was just a president you couldn't get rid of."
5. "He's lost more face than the sphinx."
6. "How do you think he made his money? How else? Pyramid Schemes!"
Statements Said About Muammar Gadhafi
1. "What do you call supporters of Gadhafi? Gadhafist people?"
2. "He's the fibbin' Libyan."
3. "Is it Gadhafi? Or Gaddafi? Or Quaddafi? Or The Daffy? What do you expect from a guy who never spells his name the same way twice?"
4. Aide: "The Libyan people are revolting!" Gadhafi: "They sure are!"
Hugh Hefner's Possible Plans for the Future
1. "Do Hugh" Day
2. The Playboy Energizer Bunny
3. The SexOlympics
4. Playboy-ar-di Spaghetti and Meatballs
5. Hefner "Hefty" Condoms
6. A College called "Screw U."
Unusual Nicknames for Roller Derby Girls
1. Bonnie N. Collide
2. Punchin' Judy
3. Georgia W. Push
4. ComBatwoman
5. Patty Whacks
6. CinderBeltya
7. Hell's Belle
Signs That Donald Trump Might Be Going Crazy
1. If he starts dressing like a clown and calling himself "Ronald McDonald Trump."
2. If he has to go to a hospital because of a severely inflated ego.
3. If he loses all of his money at someone else's casino.
4. If he actually runs for public office instead of just pretending to be a candidate as he has for so many years.
5. If he really produces "Trump: The Musical!"
Rejected Las Vegas Slogans
1. What goes to Vegas stays in Vegas - mainly your money!
2. "Las Vegas" doesn't mean "Lost Wages." It just seems like it.
3. Use your bucks to get our f**ks!
4. Las Vegas has more churches per capita than anywhere else in the US. Because everyone's praying to win.
5. Why call it "gambling" when you can call it "gaming?"
Signs That The Aliens Might Be Taking Over
1. A best-selling book is called, "To Serve Man."
2. An unusually large number of people are dying from being wrapped tightly in cocoons.
3. The leaders of the world all start moving stiffly and talking like robots.
4. Ugly dead people wander slowly into meat markets and demand to have "Brains! Brains!"
5. An illegal alien becomes president. (Not yet, but some people think so!)
Signs That The End Of The World Might Be Coming
1. Some guy builds a spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
2. Every store on earth starts having "End of the World" sales.
3. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington agree to work together to pass legislation which will benefit as many people as possible instead of wasting time and money trying to destroy each other and this country while they are at it.
4. All of the stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
1. You finally get to see the Crown Jewels
2. It really helps your career as a cover girl.
3. You find out that he's not such a royal pain in the ass after all.
4. You find out why his brother is named Prince Hairy.
5. You get to hear The King's Speech and The Prince's Pillow Talk.
6. You find out why Prince Charles in called the "Error to the throne."
7. All those hot steamy nights at F**kinghim Palace!
Statements Said About Hosni Mubarak
1. "How did he get his billions? Egypt everybody!"
2. "What else could you expect from a guy who was the head of the Egyptian Error Force?"
3. "Well, he finally united the country. Now everyone's against him."
4. "He wasn't really a dictator. He was just a president you couldn't get rid of."
5. "He's lost more face than the sphinx."
6. "How do you think he made his money? How else? Pyramid Schemes!"
Statements Said About Muammar Gadhafi
1. "What do you call supporters of Gadhafi? Gadhafist people?"
2. "He's the fibbin' Libyan."
3. "Is it Gadhafi? Or Gaddafi? Or Quaddafi? Or The Daffy? What do you expect from a guy who never spells his name the same way twice?"
4. Aide: "The Libyan people are revolting!" Gadhafi: "They sure are!"
Hugh Hefner's Possible Plans for the Future
1. "Do Hugh" Day
2. The Playboy Energizer Bunny
3. The SexOlympics
4. Playboy-ar-di Spaghetti and Meatballs
5. Hefner "Hefty" Condoms
6. A College called "Screw U."
Unusual Nicknames for Roller Derby Girls
1. Bonnie N. Collide
2. Punchin' Judy
3. Georgia W. Push
4. ComBatwoman
5. Patty Whacks
6. CinderBeltya
7. Hell's Belle
Signs That Donald Trump Might Be Going Crazy
1. If he starts dressing like a clown and calling himself "Ronald McDonald Trump."
2. If he has to go to a hospital because of a severely inflated ego.
3. If he loses all of his money at someone else's casino.
4. If he actually runs for public office instead of just pretending to be a candidate as he has for so many years.
5. If he really produces "Trump: The Musical!"
Rejected Las Vegas Slogans
1. What goes to Vegas stays in Vegas - mainly your money!
2. "Las Vegas" doesn't mean "Lost Wages." It just seems like it.
3. Use your bucks to get our f**ks!
4. Las Vegas has more churches per capita than anywhere else in the US. Because everyone's praying to win.
5. Why call it "gambling" when you can call it "gaming?"
Signs That The Aliens Might Be Taking Over
1. A best-selling book is called, "To Serve Man."
2. An unusually large number of people are dying from being wrapped tightly in cocoons.
3. The leaders of the world all start moving stiffly and talking like robots.
4. Ugly dead people wander slowly into meat markets and demand to have "Brains! Brains!"
5. An illegal alien becomes president. (Not yet, but some people think so!)
Signs That The End Of The World Might Be Coming
1. Some guy builds a spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
2. Every store on earth starts having "End of the World" sales.
3. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington agree to work together to pass legislation which will benefit as many people as possible instead of wasting time and money trying to destroy each other and this country while they are at it.
4. All of the stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Bible Related Jokes
Q: Why couldn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Abel.
Q: Why was Adam mean?
A: Because he was always raising Cain.
Q: What kind of luggage did Delilah like?
A: She preferred a Samson night.
Q: Why was Boaz a mean guy before he got married?
A: Because then he was Ruthless.
Some things that Goliath might have thought or said before his big fight with David
1."If this kid thinks he can beat me, then he's got rocks in his head."
2. "I can take him easily. He's only a stone's throw away."
3."He's definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place."
4. "If he wants to fight me, I will let him cast the first stone."
5. "Why does David keep singing, I will, I will rock you?"
Some things that Noah might have said when people asked him, "Why are you building an ark?"
1. "I'm just saving it for a rainy day."
2. "I want to make sure that I don't miss the boat."
3. Or maybe he would point to his high water pants cuffs and tell them, "I'm just waiting for a flood."
Signs that your elevator may be possessed by the devil
1. Every time the door opens, there's a lot of flames and people moaning about their eternal damnation.
2. The elevator doors have sharp, teeth-like blades which try to cut or bite you any time you try to leave or enter.
3. Some of the buttons are marked, "Purgatory," "Inferno," and "Dentist's Offices."
4. A red man with a goatee, horns, and pitchfork gets on and asks, "Going down?"
5. As you enter, you hear a voice cackling, "Abandon all hope ye who enter this elevator."
6. You and ten other people get stuck in it together listening to the same muzak song over and over again.
Signs your car may be possessed by the devil
1. The only song you can get on your radio is AC/DC's "I'm on the Highway to Hell."
2. Your instruction manual tells you that if you have any problems, just see your friendly neighbor satanic mechanic.
3. You air conditioner spits out a green pea soup-like substance on you.
4. While you're asleep at night, the car drives around by itself and sucks unsuspecting victims under its hood.
5. A red guy with a goatee, horns, and a pitchfork comes by to "repossess" it.
6. Strange bumper stickers keep showing up on your rear like "Sodom," "Gomorrah," and "I break for sinners."
Signs that the end of the world might be coming
1. The stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
2. Every store on earth starts having "end of the world" sales.
3. Some guy builds a huge spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
4. You keep tuning the radio from station to station, but the same song is everywhere. "The end of the world" by R.E.M.
5. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington finally decide to put aside their differences and work together for a change to try to improve the lives of everyone.
A: Because he just wasn't Abel.
Q: Why was Adam mean?
A: Because he was always raising Cain.
Q: What kind of luggage did Delilah like?
A: She preferred a Samson night.
Q: Why was Boaz a mean guy before he got married?
A: Because then he was Ruthless.
Some things that Goliath might have thought or said before his big fight with David
1."If this kid thinks he can beat me, then he's got rocks in his head."
2. "I can take him easily. He's only a stone's throw away."
3."He's definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place."
4. "If he wants to fight me, I will let him cast the first stone."
5. "Why does David keep singing, I will, I will rock you?"
Some things that Noah might have said when people asked him, "Why are you building an ark?"
1. "I'm just saving it for a rainy day."
2. "I want to make sure that I don't miss the boat."
3. Or maybe he would point to his high water pants cuffs and tell them, "I'm just waiting for a flood."
Signs that your elevator may be possessed by the devil
1. Every time the door opens, there's a lot of flames and people moaning about their eternal damnation.
2. The elevator doors have sharp, teeth-like blades which try to cut or bite you any time you try to leave or enter.
3. Some of the buttons are marked, "Purgatory," "Inferno," and "Dentist's Offices."
4. A red man with a goatee, horns, and pitchfork gets on and asks, "Going down?"
5. As you enter, you hear a voice cackling, "Abandon all hope ye who enter this elevator."
6. You and ten other people get stuck in it together listening to the same muzak song over and over again.
Signs your car may be possessed by the devil
1. The only song you can get on your radio is AC/DC's "I'm on the Highway to Hell."
2. Your instruction manual tells you that if you have any problems, just see your friendly neighbor satanic mechanic.
3. You air conditioner spits out a green pea soup-like substance on you.
4. While you're asleep at night, the car drives around by itself and sucks unsuspecting victims under its hood.
5. A red guy with a goatee, horns, and a pitchfork comes by to "repossess" it.
6. Strange bumper stickers keep showing up on your rear like "Sodom," "Gomorrah," and "I break for sinners."
Signs that the end of the world might be coming
1. The stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
2. Every store on earth starts having "end of the world" sales.
3. Some guy builds a huge spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
4. You keep tuning the radio from station to station, but the same song is everywhere. "The end of the world" by R.E.M.
5. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington finally decide to put aside their differences and work together for a change to try to improve the lives of everyone.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
2010 Election Jokes
I've heard of the Tea Party and the Coffee Party, but I'm waiting for the Free Beer Party!
American conservatives may claim to be conservative, but when it comes to defense spending, they are certainly liberal.
We have the best politicians money can buy because that's the only way most of them get elected in first place.
Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana resigned after getting into a sex scandal. Evidently, some politicians take the task of "screwing the voters" too literally.
Souder said that he was very, very sorry that it happened and that he will try not to get caught again.
Dan Coats, a Washington lobbyist, is running for the U.S. Senate in Indiana. A Washington lobbyist as a U.S. Senator? Well, that would be one way to cut out the middleman.
The last time Dick Lugar ran for the U.S. Senate, the Democrats couldn't find anyone to run against him. I guess no one wanted to oppose a man whose name sounded like a gun. If anyone thinks that they can beat Lugar, they just don't know Dick.
I could believe that Sarah Palin is the leader of the Tea Party. I mean, who else could lead a tea party except for a mad hatter?
You know you've got a bad judge if he farts and yells, "Odor in the court!"
An article about Mitt Romney mistakenly said that he had five wives instead of having five sons. I guess that they just got him mixed up some of his ancestors.
Sarah Palin said that she could blow a moose away. I suppose that's either with a shotgun or with her mouth.
Sen. Scott Brown said in a speech that his daughters were available. I'm sure that they were just tickled pink that their dad told millions of people that they can't find dates.
American conservatives may claim to be conservative, but when it comes to defense spending, they are certainly liberal.
We have the best politicians money can buy because that's the only way most of them get elected in first place.
Rep. Mark Souder of Indiana resigned after getting into a sex scandal. Evidently, some politicians take the task of "screwing the voters" too literally.
Souder said that he was very, very sorry that it happened and that he will try not to get caught again.
Dan Coats, a Washington lobbyist, is running for the U.S. Senate in Indiana. A Washington lobbyist as a U.S. Senator? Well, that would be one way to cut out the middleman.
The last time Dick Lugar ran for the U.S. Senate, the Democrats couldn't find anyone to run against him. I guess no one wanted to oppose a man whose name sounded like a gun. If anyone thinks that they can beat Lugar, they just don't know Dick.
I could believe that Sarah Palin is the leader of the Tea Party. I mean, who else could lead a tea party except for a mad hatter?
You know you've got a bad judge if he farts and yells, "Odor in the court!"
An article about Mitt Romney mistakenly said that he had five wives instead of having five sons. I guess that they just got him mixed up some of his ancestors.
Sarah Palin said that she could blow a moose away. I suppose that's either with a shotgun or with her mouth.
Sen. Scott Brown said in a speech that his daughters were available. I'm sure that they were just tickled pink that their dad told millions of people that they can't find dates.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Baseball Jokes
There once was a pitcher so bad, the crowd started singing Take Him Out of The Ball Game!
Billy Martin once had four doubles in a game, but then he ran out of liquor!
One official made so many bad calls, he was nicknamed, "The Dumpire."
Will Pete Rose get into the Hall of Fame? Well, maybe the Gambler's Hall of Fame or the Liar's Hall of Fame!
When the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth, they thought that that would make them a tougher team since then, they were Ruthless!
One batter specialized in hit-and-run plays. His problem was that he used his car!
I used to collect bats, but I got rid of them when they started biting!
One pitcher, Joe Niekro, was called the Little Shaver. That wasn't because he was short, but because of what he did to the balls!
Another player led his team in steals before he got nabbed for burglary.
Some pitchers are so rich that they have their own personal ball scratchers!
Did you hear about the new major league policy on drugs? Just say yes!
One player had many runs, but they were all to the bathroom!
One guy had so many spitballs that they called him the Pitcher of Water.
You know that your color commentator is inexperienced when he says things like, "Green is a pretty color, but some people also like Red, and Blue is very nice, too..."
One hit struck a chicken. Now that was a real "fowl ball!"
One player was so dumb, he just couldn't get to third base because of the short stop on the way there!
Once, when Bush was president, he went to a game and they asked him if he wanted to throw out the First Pitch. He agreed and tossed Laura out onto the field!
Least favorite ballpark treat - Darryl Strawberry-favored Coke!
Billy Martin once had four doubles in a game, but then he ran out of liquor!
One official made so many bad calls, he was nicknamed, "The Dumpire."
Will Pete Rose get into the Hall of Fame? Well, maybe the Gambler's Hall of Fame or the Liar's Hall of Fame!
When the Red Sox traded Babe Ruth, they thought that that would make them a tougher team since then, they were Ruthless!
One batter specialized in hit-and-run plays. His problem was that he used his car!
I used to collect bats, but I got rid of them when they started biting!
One pitcher, Joe Niekro, was called the Little Shaver. That wasn't because he was short, but because of what he did to the balls!
Another player led his team in steals before he got nabbed for burglary.
Some pitchers are so rich that they have their own personal ball scratchers!
Did you hear about the new major league policy on drugs? Just say yes!
One player had many runs, but they were all to the bathroom!
One guy had so many spitballs that they called him the Pitcher of Water.
You know that your color commentator is inexperienced when he says things like, "Green is a pretty color, but some people also like Red, and Blue is very nice, too..."
One hit struck a chicken. Now that was a real "fowl ball!"
One player was so dumb, he just couldn't get to third base because of the short stop on the way there!
Once, when Bush was president, he went to a game and they asked him if he wanted to throw out the First Pitch. He agreed and tossed Laura out onto the field!
Least favorite ballpark treat - Darryl Strawberry-favored Coke!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Soccer Jokes
Q:How is the American soccer team like a referee's wife?
A:They both got screwed! (USA vs. Slovenia game)
Q:Why did the soccer game get hot?
A:Because the referees turned off the fans!
Soccer is like politics. There's a left wing, a right wing, a center, and they are all beating the hell out of each other!
Steven Gerard said that "The whole team is behind Robert Green.(the English goalkeeper who scored a goal in his own net)" His problem was that too many balls were getting behind him as well!
Robert Green is a man who makes his goals. Unfortunately for him, some are for the other team!
The English needed an experienced goalkeeper. Instead, they got one who was Green.
Robert Green was told to keep his eyes on the ball. Too bad he couldn't keep his hands on it as well!
Q: How does Pele screw in a light bulb?
A:He sticks the bulb in the socket and the whole world turns around him.
David Beckham goes into a fast food place and says, "Give me three whoppers."
The cashier replies, "You're worth every penny you're paid, you can score like nobody else, and you're the greatest player ever."
Why are some players called "strikers?" Well, if you've ever been kicked in the shins by one, you'd know why!
Although the game is called soccer, there are so many fights in the stands that maybe it should be called Sockem!
Don't blame Maradona for his problems. He thought the drug policy for soccer was "Just Say Yes!"
A legally blind guy wanted to join a soccer team. After much discussion about the matter, they told him, "OK, you can be the ref!"
One player was a really good dribbler, but only when he drank!
At the World Cup, they use a four letter F word a lot and it's not FIFA!
A:They both got screwed! (USA vs. Slovenia game)
Q:Why did the soccer game get hot?
A:Because the referees turned off the fans!
Soccer is like politics. There's a left wing, a right wing, a center, and they are all beating the hell out of each other!
Steven Gerard said that "The whole team is behind Robert Green.(the English goalkeeper who scored a goal in his own net)" His problem was that too many balls were getting behind him as well!
Robert Green is a man who makes his goals. Unfortunately for him, some are for the other team!
The English needed an experienced goalkeeper. Instead, they got one who was Green.
Robert Green was told to keep his eyes on the ball. Too bad he couldn't keep his hands on it as well!
Q: How does Pele screw in a light bulb?
A:He sticks the bulb in the socket and the whole world turns around him.
David Beckham goes into a fast food place and says, "Give me three whoppers."
The cashier replies, "You're worth every penny you're paid, you can score like nobody else, and you're the greatest player ever."
Why are some players called "strikers?" Well, if you've ever been kicked in the shins by one, you'd know why!
Although the game is called soccer, there are so many fights in the stands that maybe it should be called Sockem!
Don't blame Maradona for his problems. He thought the drug policy for soccer was "Just Say Yes!"
A legally blind guy wanted to join a soccer team. After much discussion about the matter, they told him, "OK, you can be the ref!"
One player was a really good dribbler, but only when he drank!
At the World Cup, they use a four letter F word a lot and it's not FIFA!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Basketball Jokes
One player could really shoot hoops, but he used a .45!
One team could really win on the road, they just couldn't win on a court.
I know a pro who had twelve college degrees. It's easy when you make enough money to buy a university!
This one guy could play like Michael Jordan. He could play like Michael Jordan played baseball.
This guy was a real team leader...in turnovers, fouls, and arrests.
How many teams in the Big Ten? Eleven. And you wonder why some athletes can't count!
Of course, no one expects an "offensive player" to have any manners.
This one player could make any shot...as long as you gave him twenty tries!
This one player was so bad, the only baskets he could make were made out of twigs.
This one team was so bad, they had a lot of road games, but the most traveling they ever did was on the court.
One player led the league in steals...until he was arrested for burglary!
There was a team so bad, they called them the squirrels because they'd be running scared at home and get killed on the road.
There was this prospect who was a seven-footer. The only problem was he had seven left feet!
This one player could sure dribble. He could dribble so much that most of his beer ended up on the floor.
Kareem may have beaten Wilt Chamberlain's point record, but with over 5,000 women served, the Stilt was probably the all-time off court scoring champion!
One team could really win on the road, they just couldn't win on a court.
I know a pro who had twelve college degrees. It's easy when you make enough money to buy a university!
This one guy could play like Michael Jordan. He could play like Michael Jordan played baseball.
This guy was a real team leader...in turnovers, fouls, and arrests.
How many teams in the Big Ten? Eleven. And you wonder why some athletes can't count!
Of course, no one expects an "offensive player" to have any manners.
This one player could make any shot...as long as you gave him twenty tries!
This one player was so bad, the only baskets he could make were made out of twigs.
This one team was so bad, they had a lot of road games, but the most traveling they ever did was on the court.
One player led the league in steals...until he was arrested for burglary!
There was a team so bad, they called them the squirrels because they'd be running scared at home and get killed on the road.
There was this prospect who was a seven-footer. The only problem was he had seven left feet!
This one player could sure dribble. He could dribble so much that most of his beer ended up on the floor.
Kareem may have beaten Wilt Chamberlain's point record, but with over 5,000 women served, the Stilt was probably the all-time off court scoring champion!
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