Hooray for Santa Claus!

The Christmas season brings out a lot of holiday related movies and few have been maligned as much as the cult classic, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Honestly, you have to love a cheesy title like that and everything this ultra-low budget curiosity from 1964. K-mar, the discount Martian, leads a mission to Earth to kidnap Saint Nick for the red planet. His men wear bad green make-up and helmets made from broken plumbing pipes. They also take a few earth children who are harassed by a cardboard robot and a fat man in a polar bear costume. Lacking special effects, the Martian baddies zap Kris Kringle's elves with a special freeze gun. At least it also shuts up Mrs. Claus for a while as well to stop her mindless babbling. Some movies are really bad, but this is a good kind of bad and worthy of watching just for the sheer number of insults any audience can hurl at it during a screening. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A Really Big Turkey

Recently, I saw the clunker film, The Giant Claw (1957), a movie so bad it's good. It's about a giant muppet bird which terrorizes the world. The monster, which is supposed to be like some kind of roc, looks more like a buzzard reject from Sesame Street. This creature laid a really big egg! Anyway, this really big turkey is biting at plastic planes and toy soldiers thrown at it while the human characters are babbling off some of the most inane lines you've ever heard! This stuffed gooney bird is one of the most ridiculous movie monsters ever concieved. It definitely must be seen to be disbelieved! Definitely for the birds!

A Zoo Story

I don't know if any of you have see this movie called Zoo. It's about this guy who died of injuries he receieved while trying to have sex with a horse. At least he was in a "stable" relationship. Talk about "sowing his wild oats!" I've heard of girlfriends who were "real nags" but this is ridiculous! As Mr. Ed, the talking horse once said, "A horse is a horse, of course, of course, unless the horse wants intercourse!" Perhaps someone told this guy that if he wanted great sex he should get some whores, and then he misunderstood them! That's what you get from "horsing around." He got it-straight from the horse's mouth!

Jokes for Today

Maybe that new Star Trek film should be called Star Trek The College Days because it often seemed to be like a frat party out of control. First, Kirk gets horny with Uhura. Then Kirk gets it on with a green woman. Then Uhura and Spock make out. Uhura and Spock? I never knew there was anything between those two! What is this? Star Trek, The Sex Generation? What next? Sulu and Scotty? I guess that would give the phrase, "Beam me up, Scotty," a whole new meaning!

More jokes

How do you tell if a shirt is an official Beatles shirt?  When it has a Ringo around the collar!

What do you call a dessert topping for cats?  Pussy Whip!

Why was the forest animal indecent?  Because he always had a bear butt! 

Apparently, the least played song at funerals is "Ding Dong, the witch is dead!"

 

I used to tell a lot of bad lies, but I'm over that.  I tell much better ones now!

Our local baseball team is called the Tincaps, but everyone calls them the Potheads because they're so good on grass!