Jokes for Today

I'm glad Dick Cheney won't be VP too much longer. After all, there have been too many Dicks in the White House!

Ralph Nader says he's an independent, but actually he really belongs to the TakeawayenoughvotesfromObamatohelpMcCainwin Party!

Sarah Palin said that she doesn't know what the vice president is supposed to do. A few more remarks like that and she won't have to find out anyway!

The Republicans believe in the words of Lincoln with a few changes. They prefer a government of the rich, for the rich, and by the rich!

Jokes for Today

Now that baseball and softball have been dropped from the Olympics, you can be sure that the British will add cricket, rugby, darts, and snooker to take their places!

Maybe Lloy Ball should have been named "Volley."

Unfortunately, Lolo Jones did not finish her race in a Lolo time!

When the going in gymnastics got nasty, we got Nastia!

Another good thing about having the Olympics in China, no one defected!

The breaststroke is fun to do with yourself, or with a friend!

When you see all of the foods that they have in the Chinese marketplace, you find out why they call it the bizarre!

Of all of the cartoons I saw about the Olympics, none was stranger than the picture of two hands locked into the Olympic rings.

I tried water polo, but my horse drowned!

Olympic Jokes

Nastia Luikin won the gold in the woman's all-around event in gymnastics. The competition was nasty, but she was Nastia!

How do they extinguish the Olympic flame? Mark Spitz!

China was a good choice for the Olympics. At least they chose a country where no one would possibly want to defect to!

Where do dissodents eat in China? The Deli Lama!

I hear gambling is illegal in China because no one wants Tibet on it!

Jokes

The Democrats are trying a new campaign slogan. To stop Osama, Vote Obama!

Not to be outdone, the Republicans have come up with Want Bush again? Then Vote McCain!

I believe that the president's advisors have mislead him on several issues. He hates people who disagree with him so who can blame his advisors for beating around a Bush!

I've heard that Brad Pitt has two daughters, Peach Pitt and Cherry Pitt. With Angelina Jolie, her life is really the Pitts!

If you look at some of our worst presidents like Hoover, Taft, Harding, Nixon, and Bush 1 & 2, they were all conservatives. On the other side, if you look at some our best presidents like Lincoln (a liberal Republican), Theodore Roosevelt, FDR, Truman, and JFK, they were all liberals. History should tell you how to vote!

Jokes for Today

What's the difference between James Brown and Bush? One is the king of soul and the other is the king a**hole!

Rudolph Guiliani spent 50 million dollars on his campaign and won one delegate. He wasn't a presidential hopeful as much as he was a presidential hopeless!~

Why do some people think John McCain tells untruths in Iberia? Because McCain in Spain lies mainly on the plain!

We wanted a good president, but all we got were Bush leaguers!

All economists say that all other economists are wrong and that's the only opinion that they all have right!

According to the polls, McCain is between Barack and a hard place!

Some people think that Hilary didn't did the nomination because giving her a crack at the White House would be giving Bill another crack at the interns!

Jokes for Today

Bush thought that he knew Cheney, but as we have seen, he just didn't know Dick!

Bozo and Jesse Helms died on the same day. One was a clown who was always making a fool out of himself and the other was a tv show host!

I apologize for comparing Jesse Helms with Bozo. Please accept my apology, Bozo!

Jeremiah Wright used to be Obama's minister, but he sure turned out to be Jeremiah Wrong!

Obama doesn't really like jokes made about him. You should have seen how mad he got when someone accidently called him "Barack Osama."

I was in no hurry to see the new film, "Get Smart." Would you believe...I missed it by that much!

What if the Democrats campaigned like the Republicans did? Then you would see a POW veterans for truth group attack McCain and tell lies about his war record in Vietnam like which was similarly done to John Kerry four years ago.

Why is your s**t worth more than the president's s**t? Because a t**d in the hand is worth two in a Bush!

Why don't they let dogs in at the White House? Because they're afraid one might pee on a Bush!

Now I have the greatest respect for John McCain's suffering as a POW in Vietnam, but I think that he plays up that part of his life too much. After all, this guy has made a whole career out of getting people to feel sorry for him. I guess if being a POW has helped him win several elections, he thinks he can take his pity party all the way to the White House. But would it really make him a better president?

Those of you familiar with the Charles Dickens story, "A Christmas Carol," would probably notice that the character Ebeneezer Scrooge starts out the story as a conservative and ends up a liberal. Perhaps if every conservative was forced to work in a sweatshop for several weeks like Dickens had to, there would be a lot fewer of them!

Jokes for Today

John McCain doesn't know how to use a computer. That's alright, he has an excuse. When he was growing up, they only had clay tablets, anyway.

Is John McCain the Anti-Christ? Well, when you add the number of letters from each of the names, "Johnny Sidney McCain," what do you get? 666, the mark of the beast. Coincidence? I think not!

How much mush would a George Bush push if a George Bush did push mush? A George Bush would push as much mush as a George Bush would push if a George Bush did push mush!

I knew this guy who was so unpopular with women that even his life sized inflatable doll walked out on him. And no, that wasn't me!

Someone asked me if I knew the way to Bangkok. I said, "Sure! I do it every night!"

I had some running shoes, but I couldn't catch them!

Where do underwear-shaped aliens come from? Where else, Uranus!

How did the dumb guy get injured? He saw a box marked "Rattlesnakes" so he did!

I send everyone the same card. I write on a piece of paper, "I know you''d like any card I sent you, so I got you the cheapest!"

What kind of fish can you catch in a toliet? Crappie!

Why was the egg happy? Because he just got laid!

Who made the first Lincoln logs? Abe at the outhouse!

Jokes

Whatever the president does, he's between Iraq and a hard place!

Hilary is between Barack and a hard place!

Why don't they let dogs in at the White House? They're afraid that one might pee on a Bush!

Elliot Spitzer quit as governor of New York in order to become a "prostituting" attorney!

Why is your s**t worth more than the president's s**t? Because a turd in the hand is worth two in a Bush!

Why was the egg happy? Because he just got laid!

When Bush heard that he was having rice for dinner, he said, "Not Condolezza again!"

The dumb guy got injured. He saw a box marked "Rattlesnakes" so he did!

Why did Dick Cheney shoot his hunting buddy in the face? He thought he was a quail, Dan Quayle!

I heard this music called "Baroake" music, so I asked "If it's Baroake, why don't they fix it?"