Top Perks in Marrying a Prince of England
1. You finally get to see the Crown Jewels
2. It really helps your career as a cover girl.
3. You find out that he's not such a royal pain in the ass after all.
4. You find out why his brother is named Prince Hairy.
5. You get to hear The King's Speech and The Prince's Pillow Talk.
6. You find out why Prince Charles in called the "Error to the throne."
7. All those hot steamy nights at F**kinghim Palace!
Statements Said About Hosni Mubarak
1. "How did he get his billions? Egypt everybody!"
2. "What else could you expect from a guy who was the head of the Egyptian Error Force?"
3. "Well, he finally united the country. Now everyone's against him."
4. "He wasn't really a dictator. He was just a president you couldn't get rid of."
5. "He's lost more face than the sphinx."
6. "How do you think he made his money? How else? Pyramid Schemes!"
Statements Said About Muammar Gadhafi
1. "What do you call supporters of Gadhafi? Gadhafist people?"
2. "He's the fibbin' Libyan."
3. "Is it Gadhafi? Or Gaddafi? Or Quaddafi? Or The Daffy? What do you expect from a guy who never spells his name the same way twice?"
4. Aide: "The Libyan people are revolting!" Gadhafi: "They sure are!"
Hugh Hefner's Possible Plans for the Future
1. "Do Hugh" Day
2. The Playboy Energizer Bunny
3. The SexOlympics
4. Playboy-ar-di Spaghetti and Meatballs
5. Hefner "Hefty" Condoms
6. A College called "Screw U."
Unusual Nicknames for Roller Derby Girls
1. Bonnie N. Collide
2. Punchin' Judy
3. Georgia W. Push
4. ComBatwoman
5. Patty Whacks
6. CinderBeltya
7. Hell's Belle
Signs That Donald Trump Might Be Going Crazy
1. If he starts dressing like a clown and calling himself "Ronald McDonald Trump."
2. If he has to go to a hospital because of a severely inflated ego.
3. If he loses all of his money at someone else's casino.
4. If he actually runs for public office instead of just pretending to be a candidate as he has for so many years.
5. If he really produces "Trump: The Musical!"
Rejected Las Vegas Slogans
1. What goes to Vegas stays in Vegas - mainly your money!
2. "Las Vegas" doesn't mean "Lost Wages." It just seems like it.
3. Use your bucks to get our f**ks!
4. Las Vegas has more churches per capita than anywhere else in the US. Because everyone's praying to win.
5. Why call it "gambling" when you can call it "gaming?"
Signs That The Aliens Might Be Taking Over
1. A best-selling book is called, "To Serve Man."
2. An unusually large number of people are dying from being wrapped tightly in cocoons.
3. The leaders of the world all start moving stiffly and talking like robots.
4. Ugly dead people wander slowly into meat markets and demand to have "Brains! Brains!"
5. An illegal alien becomes president. (Not yet, but some people think so!)
Signs That The End Of The World Might Be Coming
1. Some guy builds a spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
2. Every store on earth starts having "End of the World" sales.
3. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington agree to work together to pass legislation which will benefit as many people as possible instead of wasting time and money trying to destroy each other and this country while they are at it.
4. All of the stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Bible Related Jokes
Q: Why couldn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Abel.
Q: Why was Adam mean?
A: Because he was always raising Cain.
Q: What kind of luggage did Delilah like?
A: She preferred a Samson night.
Q: Why was Boaz a mean guy before he got married?
A: Because then he was Ruthless.
Some things that Goliath might have thought or said before his big fight with David
1."If this kid thinks he can beat me, then he's got rocks in his head."
2. "I can take him easily. He's only a stone's throw away."
3."He's definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place."
4. "If he wants to fight me, I will let him cast the first stone."
5. "Why does David keep singing, I will, I will rock you?"
Some things that Noah might have said when people asked him, "Why are you building an ark?"
1. "I'm just saving it for a rainy day."
2. "I want to make sure that I don't miss the boat."
3. Or maybe he would point to his high water pants cuffs and tell them, "I'm just waiting for a flood."
Signs that your elevator may be possessed by the devil
1. Every time the door opens, there's a lot of flames and people moaning about their eternal damnation.
2. The elevator doors have sharp, teeth-like blades which try to cut or bite you any time you try to leave or enter.
3. Some of the buttons are marked, "Purgatory," "Inferno," and "Dentist's Offices."
4. A red man with a goatee, horns, and pitchfork gets on and asks, "Going down?"
5. As you enter, you hear a voice cackling, "Abandon all hope ye who enter this elevator."
6. You and ten other people get stuck in it together listening to the same muzak song over and over again.
Signs your car may be possessed by the devil
1. The only song you can get on your radio is AC/DC's "I'm on the Highway to Hell."
2. Your instruction manual tells you that if you have any problems, just see your friendly neighbor satanic mechanic.
3. You air conditioner spits out a green pea soup-like substance on you.
4. While you're asleep at night, the car drives around by itself and sucks unsuspecting victims under its hood.
5. A red guy with a goatee, horns, and a pitchfork comes by to "repossess" it.
6. Strange bumper stickers keep showing up on your rear like "Sodom," "Gomorrah," and "I break for sinners."
Signs that the end of the world might be coming
1. The stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
2. Every store on earth starts having "end of the world" sales.
3. Some guy builds a huge spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
4. You keep tuning the radio from station to station, but the same song is everywhere. "The end of the world" by R.E.M.
5. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington finally decide to put aside their differences and work together for a change to try to improve the lives of everyone.
A: Because he just wasn't Abel.
Q: Why was Adam mean?
A: Because he was always raising Cain.
Q: What kind of luggage did Delilah like?
A: She preferred a Samson night.
Q: Why was Boaz a mean guy before he got married?
A: Because then he was Ruthless.
Some things that Goliath might have thought or said before his big fight with David
1."If this kid thinks he can beat me, then he's got rocks in his head."
2. "I can take him easily. He's only a stone's throw away."
3."He's definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place."
4. "If he wants to fight me, I will let him cast the first stone."
5. "Why does David keep singing, I will, I will rock you?"
Some things that Noah might have said when people asked him, "Why are you building an ark?"
1. "I'm just saving it for a rainy day."
2. "I want to make sure that I don't miss the boat."
3. Or maybe he would point to his high water pants cuffs and tell them, "I'm just waiting for a flood."
Signs that your elevator may be possessed by the devil
1. Every time the door opens, there's a lot of flames and people moaning about their eternal damnation.
2. The elevator doors have sharp, teeth-like blades which try to cut or bite you any time you try to leave or enter.
3. Some of the buttons are marked, "Purgatory," "Inferno," and "Dentist's Offices."
4. A red man with a goatee, horns, and pitchfork gets on and asks, "Going down?"
5. As you enter, you hear a voice cackling, "Abandon all hope ye who enter this elevator."
6. You and ten other people get stuck in it together listening to the same muzak song over and over again.
Signs your car may be possessed by the devil
1. The only song you can get on your radio is AC/DC's "I'm on the Highway to Hell."
2. Your instruction manual tells you that if you have any problems, just see your friendly neighbor satanic mechanic.
3. You air conditioner spits out a green pea soup-like substance on you.
4. While you're asleep at night, the car drives around by itself and sucks unsuspecting victims under its hood.
5. A red guy with a goatee, horns, and a pitchfork comes by to "repossess" it.
6. Strange bumper stickers keep showing up on your rear like "Sodom," "Gomorrah," and "I break for sinners."
Signs that the end of the world might be coming
1. The stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
2. Every store on earth starts having "end of the world" sales.
3. Some guy builds a huge spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
4. You keep tuning the radio from station to station, but the same song is everywhere. "The end of the world" by R.E.M.
5. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington finally decide to put aside their differences and work together for a change to try to improve the lives of everyone.
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