Bible Related Jokes

Q: Why couldn't Cain please God?
A: Because he just wasn't Abel.

Q: Why was Adam mean?
A: Because he was always raising Cain.

Q: What kind of luggage did Delilah like?
A: She preferred a Samson night.

Q: Why was Boaz a mean guy before he got married?
A: Because then he was Ruthless.

Some things that Goliath might have thought or said before his big fight with David
1."If this kid thinks he can beat me, then he's got rocks in his head."
2. "I can take him easily. He's only a stone's throw away."
3."He's definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place."
4. "If he wants to fight me, I will let him cast the first stone."
5. "Why does David keep singing, I will, I will rock you?"

Some things that Noah might have said when people asked him, "Why are you building an ark?"
1. "I'm just saving it for a rainy day."
2. "I want to make sure that I don't miss the boat."
3. Or maybe he would point to his high water pants cuffs and tell them, "I'm just waiting for a flood."

Signs that your elevator may be possessed by the devil
1. Every time the door opens, there's a lot of flames and people moaning about their eternal damnation.
2. The elevator doors have sharp, teeth-like blades which try to cut or bite you any time you try to leave or enter.
3. Some of the buttons are marked, "Purgatory," "Inferno," and "Dentist's Offices."
4. A red man with a goatee, horns, and pitchfork gets on and asks, "Going down?"
5. As you enter, you hear a voice cackling, "Abandon all hope ye who enter this elevator."
6. You and ten other people get stuck in it together listening to the same muzak song over and over again.

Signs your car may be possessed by the devil
1. The only song you can get on your radio is AC/DC's "I'm on the Highway to Hell."
2. Your instruction manual tells you that if you have any problems, just see your friendly neighbor satanic mechanic.
3. You air conditioner spits out a green pea soup-like substance on you.
4. While you're asleep at night, the car drives around by itself and sucks unsuspecting victims under its hood.
5. A red guy with a goatee, horns, and a pitchfork comes by to "repossess" it.
6. Strange bumper stickers keep showing up on your rear like "Sodom," "Gomorrah," and "I break for sinners."

Signs that the end of the world might be coming
1. The stars in the sky arrange themselves into lighted messages like "This is the end."
2. Every store on earth starts having "end of the world" sales.
3. Some guy builds a huge spaceship and starts collecting all of the animals, two by two.
4. You keep tuning the radio from station to station, but the same song is everywhere. "The end of the world" by R.E.M.
5. For some reason, all of the politicians in Washington finally decide to put aside their differences and work together for a change to try to improve the lives of everyone.